This is my story: "I lived my worst nightmare: to be pregnant"

This is my story: "I lived my worst nightmare: to be pregnant"

For Louise, pregnancy was a first step towards deprivation.The day she gets pregnant, she decides to keep the baby, and to do her daily life.

ParLucile Quillet

When I saw the positive pregnancy test, I immediately told my husband: "sorry, in fact, I can't."It was above my strength.I had embarked on this child's project in a very rational, almost military way, but, now at the foot of the wall, panic won me.Three days later, the courage and the reason again took over: I decided to have this child, I was going to stick to it.But in my own way.I have never been sure to want a child.It must be said that until then I liked my comfort of life and my independence ... In addition, my body, light and tonic, was the keystone of my freedom: I feel good when I find myself flexible, agile, likeA little cabri capable of everything.I am very vigilant about my diet, I like my slimming.My life was made of fat mornings, weekend getaway, exciting professional trips, long reading breaks and very good red glasses.A child for me represented the end of all this.Pregnancy itself seemed to me to be the first step in a long way of the cross.I saw friends being vampirized by an embryo, completely forgetting who they were before.

C'est mon histoire : « J'ai vécu mon pire cauchemar : être enceinte»»

Modern slavery

The eleven years who separated me from my little brother had made me someone lucid.I measured very well what early childhood management, the considerable deployment of energy required.Having a child is to bend to the other, to adapt to your timing, it completely decentses you.I still hear my mother in my head repeat that she did not have "a minute to her", despite the nanny, the cleaning lady and the stepmother.She made parenthood pass for modern slavery, while maintaining that not wanting to become a parent was a selfish reflex."We don't live for ourselves," she said.Now I know it was above all a posture that she gave herself.In the meantime, I didn't want to be the slave of a howling thing.No matter how much I live in the center of Paris, a stone's throw from our families and our offices (a luxury!), To have a stable job, a solid couple, all the "good conditions", I had never wanted to'children.You could consider me selfish, I got there, it was my life and I didn't want to upset it.When I was a list, the "against" were more numerous than the "for".The very idea of pregnancy terrorized me.Live for us, for me, it was fine with me.For my husband, on the other hand, a childless life was unthinkable.I knew it from the start.Marry it meant adhering to his desire for paternity, it would have been cruel to pretend to ignore it, and to deprive it.In parallel, friends in his forties told me their regret for not having taken the plunge ... Eight months after our marriage, the subject was naturally posed on the table (my IUD arrived at expiration) and I cracked, I finishedby saying "o.K.»».It was like jumping in a parachute, I was afraid, but I had chosen it. En parfaite « control freak»», je voulais tout cadrer au maximum. Si possible, tomber enceinte au printemps pour accoucher l’hiver (j’ai des problèmes de circulation du sang l’été), si possible dans l’année du Cochon (mon médecin chinois me l’avait conseillé) et si possible par césarienne (l’idée de haleter tel un petit chien en panique en écoutant les « allez, on y va»» me révulsait).

Red wine against herb juice

A month after removing my IUD, the test is positive.I panic and then resume.No one forced me to have a child.You have to assume: he does not ask to be born, so I have to give him the best.Fighting nature already amused me, so I took pregnancy as a physical challenge, so as not to feel submissive on this condition. Je ne « parle»» pas à mon bébé, en revanche, je lui donne des preuves d’amour en étant responsable.That's when I started to be a mother.I swap my glass of red wine against a shot of herbs juice, followed by another of wheat germ oil on an empty stomach every morning, a real nutritive bomb.No more products based on cow's milk, mineral water loaded with calcium for its bones.No more sushi, hello well cooked fatty fish.I eat vegetables per tonnes.Without failing to his needs, I take eight kilos in total.Over the months, I continue to recognize myself in the mirror and keep my mobility.I refuse to let my identity be colonized by pregnancy.My body is there for my child, but not too much.The fetus is the tenant of a room in an apartment that belongs to me and we will cohabit in good intelligence.I'm lucky: I can continue to exercise my profession, and to move, because my body can follow.I have to keep the eyes of others at a distance - who blame me as usual for being too thin. Ils convoquent constamment cette imagerie niaise du « monde de bébé»» et ces mots infantilisants qui me font horreur : les « tétées»», le « bidou»»… Je fais la sourde oreille aux suggestions intrusives et aux remarques misogynes qui nous tombent constamment dessus.I informed myself, surrounded by visionary doctors: I know exactly what I do.At the announcement of my pregnancy, the friends, already fathers, of my husband joked: "You are going to see, you will not recognize her.»» Il attend depuis fébrilement ce moment où je suis censée devenir « folle»», sauf que… ce moment n’arrive pas, je reste moi-même, confiant à ma belle-mère : « Ça pèse lourd ! J’ai l’impression d’avoir avalé un sac de sable !»» Elle rit, bien plus compréhensive que d’autres, qui, plus jeunes, sont outrées par mes propos.Playing the comedy of the overflowing and haloed pregnant woman, hand on her stomach all the time, just to stick to the image that the society of future mothers is made?Out of the question.If I feel like an oven, I have the right to say it.The last months are difficult.I feel like I am a box containing an overly bulky package, I am choking, my lungs are crushed, the baby's head fits me in my ribs, I have to ride to get up.I hate sleeping on my back, I saturate herbs and sardines canned and count on days like a prisoner waiting for his issue. Je supplie mon gynéco : « Pas une semaine de plus enceinte, je me tape la tête contre les murs !»» Ma fille savait-elle chez qui elle arrivait ? Trois semaines avant le terme, elle se positionne en siège : césarienne obligée.I have the feeling that she heard me.I attend two days before the end of the pig year.We did a good job, she and me.

A RAY OF SUNSHINE

I have no maternal instinct, but I love it immediately.At the clinic, I let my husband learn alongside the midwife how to change a layer ... The only man in the midst of convalescent mothers.Me, I gave nine months of my life and went to the block ... make me peace and let me rest in front of the TV.At times, I regret my life before, but I do not regret having had a child.I changed, but I didn't become someone else.I am less light, less carefree, less relaxed, but not less happy, I just live differently.The arrival of a child is a revealer: either it goes, or it breaks.I am happy to discover that my husband and I really form a good team. Même si l’on s’agace par moments, nous sommes bienveillants, nous ne nous jugeons pas, ni lui ni moi ne la jouons « perso»», nous rions des situations cocasses, nous nous reposons l’un sur l’autre.This cohesion makes it easier.He manages the pediatrician and the nights (while I keep my balls quies), I take care of food and clothes. Il ne « m’aide»» pas : il est juste un père, 50 % de l’ADN de notre enfant, 50 % du travail et de l’éducation.I do not know if it is pregnancy, education, its nature, or the three at a time, but our daughter is a ray of sunshine.I have a lot of fun awaiting it to the world, I have infinite tenderness in front of its clumsy little hands, its first steps and all its first times, even when it is only a question of eating a carrot.I think she understood that she will be loved, that I will always be there for her, that she will have her place - but not all the place. Je ne pourrai jamais n’être « que»» sa mère et elle ne pourra jamais n’être que ma fille.I am here to guide her and so that she does not have to need me anymore.